she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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