I just cut my nipple shaving
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
where am i from again
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
