Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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