I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
