12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
