If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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