I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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