i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
