dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
