you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
