Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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