Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
