I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
