I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
