dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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