Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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