I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.