I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.