my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
