my sisters under your porch take her home
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
