Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
