i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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