i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My breasts were aching with rage.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
