all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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