I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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