what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
