How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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