dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
