she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
