it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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