My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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