I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
