I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
