By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize