Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
