Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
