Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
