how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
