Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
