my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
