Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
