there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
