every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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