He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
