atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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