just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
