splinters make it hard to masturbate
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
