I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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