Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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