you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
