The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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