He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
