God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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