From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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